I've just been watching a programme on television, called "footprints in the snow" and following the true story of a very brave lady called Julie Hill and seeing her trying to adjust to life as a paraplegic following a car accident, and the effects it had on her marriage. The last time I watched it, I was normal, I wasn't a T12 Complete, and I still cried (big softy that I am). Thank God we don't know what lies ahead for us...
It's brilliantly acted as it is with Caroline Quentin and Kevin Whately, oh how it's touched me even more now than before....... 2 years to today, since my accident, remembering how I was before, remembering the pain during the accident, the pain that I have now all day, the indignity of first catheters, and daily manual evacuations by kind nurses (remembering to leave my dignity on the door when in hospital lol), my first spasm, only a few seconds after my fall (ouch to put it mildly) my last one just a few minutes ago, (like my body thinks I'll forget what it's like) my hope that there will be a miracle cure one day that I'll walk, seeing her go through electrodes and operations trying to walk again, seeing them failing to get close to each other, mentally as well as physically. Seeing their love win through... having somebody with you through it all. Being tough on yourself, helping yourself, carrying on, when you really don't want to. Not just remembering life before the accident but living now......... I may not make footprints in the snow ever again, but I'll leave proud tyre marks as I've come this far and I'm still here, changed but here, thanks to medical staff, family and friends and a little bit of stubborness
Well last Saturday I went to a close friends wedding...... it was the first time for a lot of people to see me since my accident 22 months ago, and wasn't sure what a reception I'd get, but suffice to say except for 2 that I knew would be "very cold" and would only tolerate me there, everyone else where fantastic. however although I had a brilliant day, good company, good Welsh food, traditional Welsh singing and socializing, I really had a marvellous time until 11pm. The next thing I knew it was 5am and I was in the local hospital, if I didn't know better I'd say that I'd been "given" something, or had my drink spiked, .... .... I have never ever been like this, I can drink for Wales and p for BritiaN, .........the problem was I'd forgotten my tramadol and Baclofen when going to the wedding and so asked mam if I could have some of hers, she'd misplaced her tramadol and only had paracetamols, anyhow 3 bottles of wine, champagne, mead and 6 x 500mg of parcetamols DO NOT MIX, I was fine until about 11o clock, however I don't remember anything after that, only that I awoke in Glan Clwyd hospital the worse for wear, Aled my youngest (not amused) brother informed me the following day, that I was trying to transfer into their car, when I fell, he had to get 2 of his mates (still a big mama, albeit 5 and half stone lighter!) to lift me up as he'd forgotten about the "scoop" procedure, then had to call an ambulance just in case, and more than anything apparently I was quite nasty to one fo the nurses in A&E, she was quite sharp and short to everyone (according to Aled) and I was quite nasty to her...... I'm SO EMBARRASSED and ASHAMED....I prided myself for never ever being nasty with the nurses and staff throughout my 6 months stay at the time of my accident, but here I am being told by my little brother that I'd been nasty, I can't believe it.....of all nights and places. I've drank a few times since my accident and been fine, even with Tramadol, ok the bladder wasn't good but the mind and what is left of the body where fine. But also what's upset me is the Oriel House Hotel and leant me a blanket (we had NOT stolen it) as I was so cold and they wouldn't give the bride and groom their £400 deposit back until we delivered this cheap blanket back to them, if they hadn't given it to us, then,. u could understand however......, and they wouldn't even wait until today, they needed the blanket back before they'd give them the money so Dona the bride's sister had to do an hour and halt trip to come all the way here and then drive to the Hotel and back home yesterday afternoon, or they wouldn't have the cash to help towards their spends for the honeymoon in Canada,....... I feel awful, I can't get up as my right hand is so painful I can't push the b. chair on this carpet, I've had smaller wheels but the brakes don't work as well......... so the moral of this, never ever invite me to a wedding.... lol I know I can only apologise and you can't change the past however doesn't stop me blushing., feeling embarrassed and ashamed, the ladette in me came back, even though I've never been as bad as that before, scary. Half a woman... can't cope anymore.. I had a terrible pain yesterday and just took one of the paracetamols and they immediately upset my stomach, so that's made me feel a bit better, not a lot but.......
Hope you're all well,
take care, keep smiling
Meira x :}
WELL, I'VE PAID A VERY HIGH PRICE FOR MY BIG MISTAKE/ERROR, NOT ONLY HAVE I LOST MY LOVE INTEREST AS HE WAS SO DISGUSTED, THE BRIDE AND HER SISTER, TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS, CAN'T FORGIVE ME...... I'M SO LOW. LOWEST THAT I'VE BEEN SINCE THE ACCIDENT, DON'T SEE ANY REASON TO CARRY ON. THE LONELYNESS, THE PAIN, THE SPASMS, NOT WALKING, NOT SLEEPING, HEADACHES FROM THE MEDICATION, BLADDER AND BOWEL PROBS...... DON'T C THE POINT ANYMORE.......
(warning, please do not read this if you are easily offended/of a delicate disposition sorry)
Being single fat and forty was a big thing to face, being single, slightly less fat, forty one in a wheelchair and with a 12inch pipe sticking out of you...... exactly not very romantic, appealing and definitely not sexy.
Do these feelings of feeling like half a woman, feeling that they see the chair and not you ease off or go away? That awful feeling that the supra pubic catheter is showing beneath clothes, feeling that it smells, albeit being washed over and over again. Then there's the thought of firstly when having met somebody on the net and meeting up, do they fancy the real life me? Can they see passed the chair? Ok, I'd have told them early on the web relationship about the accident, I'm always open and honest about that no point in being the other way is there?!! And when asked about personal details about my body, as most men seem to do within a few times of "talking" on the web, telling them about the pipe and the unknown as in that I don't know if it's physically possible for me to have full intercourse.... But just the thought of meeting them in real life....... Frightening, sickening and horrible .....although exciting as it should be with any new relationship.
The lack of knowledge and of knowing, if I'll ever be able to have full penetrative sex ever again? And how soon would they (that is, if they can get over the thought of the me having a longer willy than them lol) get bored of coming on my boobs or in my mouth, no matter how good my small hands and large mouth are..... I shouldn't complain about having partial feeling to my knees, however with my painful hips, sex has always been painful and uncomfortable in a lot of positions, but now those positions that where comfortable and really good for me are no longer viable, not even with cushions and help... How soon before they would they's bored. How soon would they seek solace with a normal woman elsewhere? Is it better to keep myself closed to new relationships? Is the thought of what if.... Worse than the knowing. And, what if the unthinkable happens and I have a bladder or even worse a bowel accident? Due to vaginal spasms, if I managed lovely penetrative sex would my man get stuck. Would I be able to feel him deep and large inside of me...... normal things, normal sensations that mean so much to both partners.
Relationships are complicated enough without this. Am I meant to be alone for the rest of my life? I'm normally such an optimist, however this is getting me down. I know there's more to a relationship than making love but it does help and it's such an important let alone fun part!! Just being honest that's all, it does count. God made it pleasureable for both sides for a reason. Missing that intimacy, that contentment, that mmm feeling.... and of knowing I've pleased my man.
The education part of the recovery at Gobowen hospital was brilliant, however due to the ratio of accidents with the male spinal injury, the sex education was not comprehensive, in fact it was nearly non existent for us women, yes men where told about Viagra, about injecting their penis etc Some of the single men where even advised to go to an escort the first time or so and to try things out, but for us women...... hardly nothing except for a few words of encouragement! But that was mainly to those already married/in a long term relationship with a doting partner.
I have met and seem to have connected with a very special man whom I met via a disabled (free of charge) small site called Cupid Calls, however I've chickened out of taking it to the next step i.e. of meeting up. Yes he knows and bless him has accepted the news of the catheter, my hips, the unknown etc But when it comes to actually meeting up I'm terrified and have put him off on more than a couple of occasions so much so that I think he's gone off me or is now "turned off" if you get my meaning..... He's got under my skin, don't know how, when it happened but it has.... (gosh that's the first tme I've admitted that to myself, scary as even before my accident I never let anyone get close to me, the real me, let alone now!)
I have also met another gentleman on the same site, now I don't have the same connection with him, and both know about each other, but this one isn't a sexual relationship just friends, however this gentleman is what they call a devotee, as in my disability is what turns him on, really on. And although he is experienced in the art of making love to a paraplegic and has assured me that the pipe, the lack of positions are not a turn off, he actually said that the two last experiences that he'd had with a disabled woman, had blown him away and was the best sexual experiences of his life. But with him if the first relationship doesn't work out he's told me to contact him and to give him a chance, however the problem with him or with me is now I'd worry if he found me attractive or was it the thought of me being severely disabled that he's interested in and not the real me?
Sorry to have to put this on here, but it's such a dark area, and it shouldn't be .... I'm fed up of googling, There is no informaton/help out there. Not even from the Samaritans etc. The only thing useful I saw was on the programme (I think it was called Sex for the 21st Century Woman) where they briefly showed and spoke to a male paraplegic making love to his beautiful fit wife, and spoke to a married disabled lovely slim lady. Isn't it better that the more open and the more information there is about it the less taboo the subject becomes, This affects all our lives does it not?
If anyone has read this (and not fallen asleep) and has gone through similar problems/doubt would you mind talking to me via msn at meiraowen@yahoo.co.uk. Maybe you're a female partner to a disabled gentleman and had problems to begin with your love life but have overcome. Or if you're with a disabled male/female and had to adjust your lovemaking? Anybody out there that can shed some light on this matter I'd really appreciate "talking" to you ....... on msn or just leave a comment........ DIOLCH YN FAWR / THANK YOU.
Although it may sound corny and you've heard it all before, I hope now though for me it's the start of something, I know feel ready to "face" the world head on. I'm actually feeling like I did on discharge day at Gobowen on the 20th of October 2006..... yep that long ago, and it's taken me this long however due to the broken leg and further complications I've lost an extra year and slowed down my recovery but that's all behind me it's now onwards and upwards or rollwards....
My first challenge, is happening this Wednesday by going back to ALAC at Wrexham the Wheelchair centre, I call it a challenge but it's more like climbing Snowdon as they've already refused me a chair, but I'm now taking ammunition with me in the form of my Occupational Therapist and we're actually seeing the manager Carol, and I'm now so desperate for a new chair that I will literally beg, plead and borrow. Unlike the voucher scheme in other parts of Britain, Wales don't have that and so if they say no then I have to go and find funds and purchase my own chair. I know the ratio of men to women spinal injuries is 9 to 1, however all the chairs seem to be made for slim hipped young males and not middle aged women with child bearing hips!! There must be a gap in the market,.,,,,,,, They keep bragging about how these chairs are made to measure but unless you fall into the 18" category then you can't get a chair, I'm now down another 3 stone and due to not walking my un-toned floppy legs and hips are only down to 18 ΒΌ " and so not allowed to even try an 18" chair out...... I'm not even an "regular / normal" complete paraplegic as I have partial feeling to my knees and no way would I ever just squeeze into a chair for the sake of it as I'm not going down the skin damaging route ever again, I'm not that silly lol With only the GPV on offer, and they won't even consider the new lightweight Titanium GPV ti one, I'm ready for a battle..... Is it me or is trying to get anything and everything an uphill battle now?
My second challenge, albeit if depends on the outcome of the first one, is purchasing a new car, I've actually passed my assessment since the 19th of October 06! However due to the size of my chair, I can't get a chair with a high enough headroom for me to get my chair in-between my chest and onto the passenger seat, the only one's that have the headroom seem to be people carriers and of course to high for me to transfer into in the first instance..... However at about 2am this morning I have come to a decision, a big one, (you seasoned wheelchair users may think me a lazy so and so ..... however) I've decided to look for a car with a wheelchair holder on the roof (I know you lose 15mph to the gallon however........ ) I'll be cream crackered before I get anywhere and seeing as I'm having so much trouble getting a chair maybe this is an all round solution....... Open to suggestions/help/shoves up the .... To get into a car if any volunteers out there????? The car.... well I would like a Renault Megane, a Citroen C5 or a Volkswagen Golf or am I dreaming, should I go for a family estate car? Once again any suggestions/advice openly taken.
My third challenge, now that I've mastered the art of train travel, thanks to the wonderful team of "guards" railway officers who work for Arriva or whatever the pc name is for them is to go and see a West End Show at London and meet up with my big sister and gorgeous nieces Sioned Emma and Roma Ceri and do some real retail therapy........ better than any rehab education package, even the one from Gobowen!
My fourth, once again depends on one and then two, is to drive down to Kent to my sisters with my mother by the end of the year, ok this is a big one, I know maybe I'm setting my goals to high, however..... can but dream, can but try.
My fifth, I need to get back to work, although Gobowen have suggested the counselling route for me, the more I think about it the more I think I'm not going to be any good at it, so may be doing some work for the local Social Services in Wales with testing goods etc but it's all up in the air at the moment, however I need something, I'm now bored at home, facebook is getting dull and if I get any more "hugs/kisses/spanks/cuddles" from people I hardly know then I'll scream,..... lol On the other hand it is a good way of making new acquaintances which is always a good thing,
My sixth, getting my new bungalow, well I say new, new to me, and parts of it that have been adapted will be new (well that is, if the Welsh Assembly give the go ahead to my Housing Association to go ahead with the adaptations, not holding my breath as the application has been in since August and they've already refused the first lot of plans!!) The bungalow is opposite my Mam's house where I lived until the day of my accident, that's heartbreaking as I can't even go in to my old home at all, not even through the front door albeit a lovely wooden ramp has been added on. But once again this b chair is too wide lol ... Going back to the village is a good thing, in so many ways, for my independence, financially, for friends, neighbours etc however there are some "friends" and neighbours that don't want me there due to the compensation claim, this hurts... hurts deeply and to the heart, they've listened to one side of the story and been my judge and jury without even hearing or asking my side of the story, if they could only live a day in my life, one day that's all I ask, one day in the chair, one day of trying to get your knickers on whilst lying flat on your back, one day of "manual evacuations" of my bowels, one day of spasms, one day of back pain, one day of having a 12" pipe sticking out of me, one day of feeling half a woman, just one day in my shoes.... That aren't even trendy anymore lol.... Am I asking too much? So although I'm thrilled at the prospect of having my own home, my own nest, my own everything, I'm also scared out of my mind with worry at that first encounter in the local village shop, in the concert hall ....... One day at a time.. corny but how true.
However what happens if I don't reach any of the above challenges/tasks ..... for a change I'm not going to count myself a failure, I didn't hit all my goals even before my accident, and things aren't easy anymore, things are harder, living day to day life is harder, but I'm still here, I'm still battling, I'm still smiling.......... Life they say starts at 40, well my life "changed at 40" maybe for the worse but maybe just maybe for the better..........
