Although it may sound corny and you've heard it all before, I hope now though for me it's the start of something, I know feel ready to "face" the world head on. I'm actually feeling like I did on discharge day at Gobowen on the 20th of October 2006..... yep that long ago, and it's taken me this long however due to the broken leg and further complications I've lost an extra year and slowed down my recovery but that's all behind me it's now onwards and upwards or rollwards....
My first challenge, is happening this Wednesday by going back to ALAC at Wrexham the Wheelchair centre, I call it a challenge but it's more like climbing Snowdon as they've already refused me a chair, but I'm now taking ammunition with me in the form of my Occupational Therapist and we're actually seeing the manager Carol, and I'm now so desperate for a new chair that I will literally beg, plead and borrow. Unlike the voucher scheme in other parts of Britain, Wales don't have that and so if they say no then I have to go and find funds and purchase my own chair. I know the ratio of men to women spinal injuries is 9 to 1, however all the chairs seem to be made for slim hipped young males and not middle aged women with child bearing hips!! There must be a gap in the market,.,,,,,,, They keep bragging about how these chairs are made to measure but unless you fall into the 18" category then you can't get a chair, I'm now down another 3 stone and due to not walking my un-toned floppy legs and hips are only down to 18 ¼ " and so not allowed to even try an 18" chair out...... I'm not even an "regular / normal" complete paraplegic as I have partial feeling to my knees and no way would I ever just squeeze into a chair for the sake of it as I'm not going down the skin damaging route ever again, I'm not that silly lol With only the GPV on offer, and they won't even consider the new lightweight Titanium GPV ti one, I'm ready for a battle..... Is it me or is trying to get anything and everything an uphill battle now?
My second challenge, albeit if depends on the outcome of the first one, is purchasing a new car, I've actually passed my assessment since the 19th of October 06! However due to the size of my chair, I can't get a chair with a high enough headroom for me to get my chair in-between my chest and onto the passenger seat, the only one's that have the headroom seem to be people carriers and of course to high for me to transfer into in the first instance..... However at about 2am this morning I have come to a decision, a big one, (you seasoned wheelchair users may think me a lazy so and so ..... however) I've decided to look for a car with a wheelchair holder on the roof (I know you lose 15mph to the gallon however........ ) I'll be cream crackered before I get anywhere and seeing as I'm having so much trouble getting a chair maybe this is an all round solution....... Open to suggestions/help/shoves up the .... To get into a car if any volunteers out there????? The car.... well I would like a Renault Megane, a Citroen C5 or a Volkswagen Golf or am I dreaming, should I go for a family estate car? Once again any suggestions/advice openly taken.
My third challenge, now that I've mastered the art of train travel, thanks to the wonderful team of "guards" railway officers who work for Arriva or whatever the pc name is for them is to go and see a West End Show at London and meet up with my big sister and gorgeous nieces Sioned Emma and Roma Ceri and do some real retail therapy........ better than any rehab education package, even the one from Gobowen!
My fourth, once again depends on one and then two, is to drive down to Kent to my sisters with my mother by the end of the year, ok this is a big one, I know maybe I'm setting my goals to high, however..... can but dream, can but try.
My fifth, I need to get back to work, although Gobowen have suggested the counselling route for me, the more I think about it the more I think I'm not going to be any good at it, so may be doing some work for the local Social Services in Wales with testing goods etc but it's all up in the air at the moment, however I need something, I'm now bored at home, facebook is getting dull and if I get any more "hugs/kisses/spanks/cuddles" from people I hardly know then I'll scream,..... lol On the other hand it is a good way of making new acquaintances which is always a good thing,
My sixth, getting my new bungalow, well I say new, new to me, and parts of it that have been adapted will be new (well that is, if the Welsh Assembly give the go ahead to my Housing Association to go ahead with the adaptations, not holding my breath as the application has been in since August and they've already refused the first lot of plans!!) The bungalow is opposite my Mam's house where I lived until the day of my accident, that's heartbreaking as I can't even go in to my old home at all, not even through the front door albeit a lovely wooden ramp has been added on. But once again this b chair is too wide lol ... Going back to the village is a good thing, in so many ways, for my independence, financially, for friends, neighbours etc however there are some "friends" and neighbours that don't want me there due to the compensation claim, this hurts... hurts deeply and to the heart, they've listened to one side of the story and been my judge and jury without even hearing or asking my side of the story, if they could only live a day in my life, one day that's all I ask, one day in the chair, one day of trying to get your knickers on whilst lying flat on your back, one day of "manual evacuations" of my bowels, one day of spasms, one day of back pain, one day of having a 12" pipe sticking out of me, one day of feeling half a woman, just one day in my shoes.... That aren't even trendy anymore lol.... Am I asking too much? So although I'm thrilled at the prospect of having my own home, my own nest, my own everything, I'm also scared out of my mind with worry at that first encounter in the local village shop, in the concert hall ....... One day at a time.. corny but how true.
However what happens if I don't reach any of the above challenges/tasks ..... for a change I'm not going to count myself a failure, I didn't hit all my goals even before my accident, and things aren't easy anymore, things are harder, living day to day life is harder, but I'm still here, I'm still battling, I'm still smiling.......... Life they say starts at 40, well my life "changed at 40" maybe for the worse but maybe just maybe for the better..........
Well it's my second Christmas since my accident, and although I'm trying to be as independent as possible, without my family and friends around me, then I wouldn't be able to cope at all. Everybody expects everybody to be happy and although I'm always full of joy and laughter, when alone I do find it hard, and dream of having my old life back, I know I should count my blessing but just sometimes it's hard... I do however find myself going down memory lane and remembering Christmas' past...
As a child... although we where a poor family, Dad and Mam never ever let us be without on Christmas Day. Sion Corn (Santa Claus) would always have been to fill our hand made knitted Dad's sock at the bottom of our 4 beds. We'd have to go to Chapel first thing for "plygain", a small simple ceremony where anyone who wanted to take part would just follow their heart and do so, whether it was to read a poem, sing a carol, reading a passage from the Bible, we'd always be there for 6am. And we where always allowed to take one present with us to show everybody what we'd had from Santa. As I grew up I didn't take the presents with me, but I still went and the welcome and the peace I felt there always added a special something to my Christmas Day. We'd then return home where Mam had made Bacon Sandwiches for us and as Dad always worked being a farm hand, so we'd draw which 2 where allowed to go with him in the back of the tractor, oh what fun. NO matter what the weather Dad would always make it fun and we'd always be full of laughter. We'd then go home and open our presents together, then at 12.30pm prompt (or else!) Mam would have the lovely roast Turkey and all the trimmings ready for us (we'd all 4 have to help with preparation) and it was always my job (which I took great pride in) to set the table. After lunch, we'd all play family games together and watch television in the evening, happy, contented times, don't know how they did it but they did..... .....
As I grew older and the real magic of Christmas went, it was still a time of joy and happiness, good food but also with family around no matter what, also the Chapel ceremony was still an important part to me, even if I'd been out on the pop the night before until about 3am I'd still be up in time for the 6 am service. Dad by now had lost his health he was on oxygen 24 hrs a day and piped throughout the house let alone the heavy bottles so that he could go out with mam in the car, he was on 28 tabets a day, 3 inhalers etc but did he ever complain ,no never not even when he had heart attacks, pneumonia, bronchitis or angina, sometimes he'd be in hospital for months, but he'd never be angry, and he'd always show concern for the other patients, sometimes he'd say, poor man hasn't slept all night (and how did he know, exactly as he never slept either) It was then that I started questioning my belief as it didn't seem fair that such a hardworking, kind and gentle man could be suffering so much... Dad loved Christmas and surprises, and even then we still didn't have much money but Dad loved to surprise my mam and I remember one year when Mam had taken a fancy to a picture in the local photographers shop, but it was too expensive. Well Dad had telephoned the shop and organized everything with my help and had paid for it week by week and on Christmas day with my eldest brothers help, he'd put it up on the wall in the parlour and even put tinsel around it and it took mam until 3pm before she noticed it, we where all giggling and whispering behind her back, bless and she never guessed at all. You should have seen her face as she realised that the lovely scene of real shire horses ploughing in a field filled her wall.
After Dad died, Christmas has always been hard, even more so when my eldest brother lost his first born to Hydrachlephalus within a year of us losing Dad. They both lie next to each other in the ceremony, By now I definitely questioned my faith, why? Why Dad? Why couldn't I save him on that fatal day in September (one of the few things that I've been good at is first aid, but yet I failed him on that day of all days)s, I'm still no closer to the answer however I now realise it was his time to go. He was given 4 years to live but lived for 16. He had true grit, inner strength, character, kindness, love, determination, no self pitying, he was an amazing father a true inspiration. He missed out on all his grandchildren, and it took me 5 years to accept that he'd gone and that it was his time to go..... on Christmas day at about 3pm we all used to walk to the Cemetery and just have a peaceful moment by the graveside by Dad's and Ynyr's graves and I remember Sioned Emma my eldest niece then aged 5 saying, Taid (Granddad) has Ynyr to look after in heaven they're both alright together looking down at us from above (out of the mouths of babes) a lump came to my throat but I remember feeling at peace for the first time. We've got 6 wonderful children here and Dad has his own little one ........
Then, on April 17th 2006 my accident happened, and once again I questioned why, selfish of me I know, however it really does make you think, those things I'd done when grieving for Dad, not a nice side of me came, was I being punished for that? I still don't know. But I hope this accident has brought out the best of me and buried the old nasty one for good. On my third night at the Royal Hospital, I was really poorly about 3am and my family where called down. I know the morphine and I didn't "agree" as it didn't help with the pain, but also I know I was hallucinating a bit however, I could the monitor by my bed, and by it was my Dad standing and smiling, my mam was there by his side, my eldest brother and sister was also there, and my youngest brother Aled was hiding behind the curtain, also there was a very special friend a past School teacher Llews... then I saw a pretty middle aged woman standing by my side wearing white...... at this time of my inury I could move my arms but not feel them and so I wasn't sure if she was real or not, as the nurses just ignored her as they where running around caring for me... she said a lovely prayer and said a few kind words. A few minutes later I was better and my family where told to turn back.. The following morning I awoke to see the lady (sadly I can't remember her name) sitting in the chair by myside, She hadn't been in my imagination. She was real. It turned out she'd gone into A&E with a nose bleed and had to stay over night however there was no room anywhere else in the hospital and so she ended up on the Orthopaedic ward. Now, I don't know if I believe in angels however I do believe that God sends people to you when you need them the most, sometimes you don't realise that you need them, that night she was there for me......... without her, well we'll never know, however it does make you think.
Christmas time is a time for joy, for laughter, for family and friends, but also please if you can make time for anyone that are by themselves this Christmas, write an extra Christmas card, buy an extra present, make an extra Christmas pudding, make a difference and reach out....... You never know you may be somewhere at the right time for somebody
God bless you one and all........
SEASON'S GREETINGS / CYFARCHION Y TYMOR
This has helped me through a lot of times (do you think he pushes my wheelchair now and again..........)
FOOTSTEPS IN THE SAND
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to him and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied "My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I carried you."
I hate being me even more now, than before the accident. I hated having to recycle all my old shoes, boots, sandals and handbags I like that I've lost weight, but still feel the same size and miss my G Cups I like that I've lost weight, but hate that I'm nearly the same clothes size. I hate the catheter - terrified of accidents and bad smells I hate even more the accidents that have started happening! I hate my wheelchair - it's about 4" wider than the men's. I hate losing my independence. I want the old Meira back - although I have met lovely inspirational people and made friends through my accident, which is always a positive thing. I hate what I've done to my mother, the worry, stress, lifting this blooming chair and what it's done to her hip and made her an old woman in pain. I hate having to do "manual evacuations" every morning! I hate it even more when I have bowel accidents. I hate going out to places, where I don't know if there is disabled access and/or toilets. I hate having to ask to "pass" people. I hate being unable to go into shops due to bad access I hate saying "sorry" about 40 times when I'm out - even though it's not my fault. I hate not being the strong one that can help others albeit as a friend or as a first aider I hate going down hills and as am scared of falling out of my chair. I hate losing so many many friends due to the insurance claim - when they're only listening to one side of the story, I hate not ever being able to go back into my old home, not even downstairs let alone my bedroom. I hate the pain. I hate the spasms with a vengeance. I hate feeling useless. I hate having to worry about money. I hate it that I've lost my ability to organize and do simple paperwork and maths as they used to be some of my fortes I hate not doing my job, maybe I didn't do a great job, but hopefully managed to change a few people's attitude towards the way they think of waste as not just rubbish but as an asset. I hate my life - but shouldn't complain as I'm so lucky compared to a lot of people - I am blessed with fantastic family, friends and colleagues. I hate not being able to stand up and make a speech. I hate getting tired and having to go to bed when the "wall" of pain and tiredness hits at 4pm. I hate not being able to "pop" out to see friends, to the shops, to the local town to have a few drinks in my favourite pub to watch the rugby even when Wales lose. I'm scared and lonely. I'm scared of being me! I hate the thought of not being able to get close to anybody special in my life, missing that first fluttering, the first kiss, making love, the cuddles, the laughter!
I hate the thought that if somebody did ever find me attractive again, then I'd be letting them down physically and the supra pubic catheter would disgust them. I hate not being able to hold and cuddle my youngest niece like I did with the other 5. I hate being 41 and not had a proper 40th Birthday do. I hate having to depend on others to sort my finances out! I hate of thinking of a lonely future, dependant on others and being the "Auntie" that they feel obliged to visit I'm scared...... But more than any of the above, I hate the fact, that I failed my father even when I was able bodied and healthy, when he needed me most. The only thing I've ever been reasonably good at is first aid and I failed him of all people, my beloved, brave, strong, kind hearted, hardworking, smiling, true gritted smiling Dad. And I miss him so much and need to say sorry and most of all need a big cuddle like only he could give and tell me that everything is going to be alright.
I love having made new friends (albeit I've lost some oldone's) however, have seen an extra kind side to people I thought just saw me as a colleague. Still friends with some of the nurses that looked after me at my worst and at my changed.... New friends from all around..... which is always a good thing, even though some only come to your life for a little while,, they all come for a reason...... keep smiling, keep rolling along....... Mx
My brothers came to fetch me to bring me to my new interim home, as I can never go back to my real home at Llangernyw with my Mam as it can't be adapted for wheelchair use. So lucky for me I live in Conwy County Borough Council, and they had just developed 6 flats especially adapated for disabled people to live in whilst they have their own homes adapted or until they find a suitable permenant basis, they're lovely plenty of space, if anything it's spoilt me as I have a fall and rise kitchen, "drive through shower" etc, anyhow I knew my wonderful Mam was there making a lovely home made meal to welcome me, after Emrys and Aled left I was so tired that at 7pm I went to bed, sadly though the brakes on my "posh" gpv QUICKIE chair (lol joke of the year, horrendous is the better word for my chair!) where in the wrong place and where the wrong type, and I fell out of my chair whilst transferring to bed, my poor mam was so upset, but I'd falled twice onto hard lino at Gobowen and so never thought anything about it, however my left leg was stuck under me and I turned over on to my stomach and mam had to straighten it out, it looked ok, but had a 4" carpet burn on the front of my ankle and foot LOL, and as we'd been educated in skin care, bowel care, catheter care etc etc before being discharged I was worried, however mam wasn't strong enough to lift my chair into over the other side of the bed as I knew I had an electric hoist and I could use that with the aid of my Mam to get into bed, however we had to call the helpline for help, and lucky old me had 2 lovely ambulance men come to my aid, sadly though they didn't know how to use the hoist so what fun I had training them on how to use it!! Although no pain was coming from the foot my spasms had increased in the night and I was in terrible pain. The following morning my leg was very badly swollen and the skin was getting septic. On the Sunday one of the brilliant district nurses Ruth came to see me as part of my new routine and I explained what had happened, she wanted me to go to A&E at Glan Clwyd, but I declined as I know how busy they are on the weekend. The following morning my leg looked worse, and Ruth the nurse phoned saying she'd been worried about me all night and that she'd asked my Doctor to come out to see me. Doctor Smith took one look at my face and my foot and said to Glan Clwyd immediately I was informed there that I'd broken my tibia and my ankle bone and at 11pm at night was put in the orthopaedic ward, with old ladies, oh the poor things, I tried my best to put them at their ease but they where suffering so much, when my specialist came around he confirmed the 2 fractures and wanted me to stay in for at least a month, I kindly explained that I'd just done 6months and 5 days in hospital before doing the great "escape" and declined his offer, he totally understood but insisted that I came to his fracture clinic every Monday which of course I agreed upon. The first week went well, I only had a " back slab" on so the nurses could change the dressing on the sore,. But when I went back to the first fracture clinic, the specialist said they could see it was healing straight but as I had so much osteoporosis they couldn't see if I was healing (he presumed I'd gone through the menopause, I explained I hadn't and he was in shock as he'd never see such bad osteoporosis before on someone so young LOL) typical me odd again, however they gave me a new back slab, i said farewell to mam and my sister in law insisting that I was fine by myself, anyhow when they left the "wall" hit me about 20 minutes later, that's wha I get for being a stubborn, independant mule, so tried to transfer to bed, lol, (because the backslab had been wet, my sister in law had been helping me to deal with it on my way home and I never thought and I presumed it would be the same as the last one, but this was double the weight, it took me half an hour to get into bed, and could I get my skirt off, no way hose, anyhow my carer was coming in half an hour or so and I waited for her assitance, anyhow she arrives, but says that she can't help as she's only there to make a meal, and I said all I needed was a hand to help lift my leg up, well with a lot of giggling got the skirt off, but when it came to my nicks (My best one's lol) I just told her to get the scissors as she was so out of breath (I think sometimes she needs more care than I do, bless as she's in her 60's) anyhow for days following every time I got up, my foot was black and swollen,(knew my first aid and knew that this was not a good sign)
I phoned Gobowen an d they said I had to go straight on bed rest! (they wanted me to go in there but the spinal unit was full!) Bed rest at hospital was bad enough but this was even worse with only a carer in the morning and evening to talk to, of course I had my family but they couldn't be expected to be with me every day, they'd done so much for me, anyhow I sadly suffered from bed sores, bad once and in the end spent over 2 months in bed. When I went back to Gobowen at the beginning of December for my 1st outpatient clinic, they couldn't believe how unlucky I'd been and when they photographed (yes photographed - how embarrassing I hasten to add I didn't send copies out as xmas cards lol) my sores I was told to go back on bed rest for at least 10 days or come in after xmas for 3 months as they where that bad, so I was a good girl and listened, I had 13 of my family coming for xmas dinner so did all my xmas shopping via Argos direct except for a few things that my family got me, I even managed to cook the xmas dinner with all the trimmings as I would normally do, only thing I couldn't do was lift the 20lb turkey out fo the oven by myself. but working as a team we had a fantastic family Christmas and that meant a lot to me, just doing something "normal", something that I would have automaticaly done before the accident, so that was a big "tick" off the long list of things to do.
However, as I'm now living in Llandudno Junction about 10 miles from my home, the visitors slowed down, but especially my closest friends. My brother in law is an accident Solicitor and he advised me to put a claim in but I said I'd been drinking so it would be my fault and there was no point and he said, yes I wouldn't get 100% compo but would be allowed up to 75% and as I was an unison member I'd get free solicitors to deal with my mail. Through out the 8months of my injury no member of the family came to see me, I had one letter from the mother but apart from saying we're thinking of you the letter was all about general things, their daughters upcoming wedding etc of all the letters and cards that I'd received and believe me there are about a thousand of them, this one left me cold..... and upset in a different way.. So I contacted the solicitor BUT made it clear from the start that I didn't think that GE the son had planning permission for the garage renovation and that I wanted to talk to him PERSONALLY before anything went ahead because if they didn't have household public liability insurance then I wouldn't go ahead. I left verbal messages for GE to contact me, I sent him text messages (which he replied once to by asking who this was, as if there where others named Meira with a broken back) anyway this went on for months, until one day my phone rang and it was GE and I was so relieved, he didn't even ask how I was he just said thanks a bunch, and I said what for and he said it was for the letter from my solicitors I said I hadn't given permission for the letter to be sent that I wanted to speak to GE first, he said no comment, I asked him if there was a rail now on the stairs, he said no comment, I asked him for R's full name and address he replied no comment and so it went on. I phoned my Solicitor Mr Ken Jones of Tlicitors and he said he had to write to them because if I'd have spoken to GE I would have believed him if he lied and said he had no insurance cover and I would have dropped the case. However, both my brothers Emrys and Aled work as farm contractors with the parent's father all summer with silage and I didn't want it to affect their working relationship. Anyhow it turns out that GE and his parents weren't on speaking terms at this time and GE had just left the letter on their kitchen table, and so this caused friction. Since then I've been told by numerous people that they've been trying to get proof that I was paralytic on the night in question that I'd been drinking rum and coke all day, I have only twice in my life drank Rum and Coke and that was in a game (that involved x marines lol) and I hate the stuff!! He's even tried to get the taxi driver to say that I'd fallen out of the taxi, luckily for me the taxi driver says he'll be a witness for me that I was more sober than he'd seen me for ages and that he heard R say that he had GE's permission for me to go there as they're trying to get out of it by saying I was breaking the trespassers 1957 rule. he also says he's got CCTV footage of me in a certain pub falling over, I never went in to the said pub on the night in question, I know I've got a bad memory, but not that bad. Anyhow I know we live in a small community and most are brilliant, especially as they've raised thousands of pounds for me by doing a nude calendar with the football club (as I was the secretary before my accident) they've organized concerts, a 10 year old girl volunteered to have her hair shaved and raised over a £1,000 all by herself. I don't know where to start saying thank you. However the amount of visitors coming to see me has nearly stopped, I can understand as everybody's so busy with their own lives, but also some can't cope in seeing me in my chair. Since my accident I have only drank on 3 occasions. I am so lonely, I am scared, and I don't have that special someone to lean on, and I won't meet anyone now, it was bad enough being blonde, fat and forty but to be blonde, fat, forty one in a wheelchair with a 12" pipe sticking out of me well.......... it says it all.
I'm sorry to go on and on, but this is only a part of what I've been through in the last 20 months and have found this quite theraputic, albeit boring and nothing new to all you brave people that have gotten on with their lives (your stories are truly inspirational). Worst of all my poor mother is suffering she's got a bad hip and the specialist lost her notes and she's got so bad that she's walking with a stick and as we have always liked to go shopping on a Saturday I feel guilty seeing her having to lift this 19kg chair of mine in and out of her car, so have been making excuses lately not to go out, but of course this is making me stir crazy as I'm stuck in this flat, in pain and alone. But we've now been informed that she's having her new hip the day after boxing day (so that will be a great christmas present, no pain!! HOPEFULLY. God bless the poor thing, she's been a carer for my father who passed away 20 years ago, and although I lived with her before my accident I dont want her to be my carer as it's not fair on her, once was bad enough, Dad ended his life also in a wheelchair, but due to farmes lung developing into emphysemia and on oxygen 24/7. had heart attacks, angnina, pneumonia, bronchitis, stomach ulcers, bad nerves, 28 tablets a day and inhalers, let alone the oxygen piped through the house, spent months at a time in hospital, he was given 4 years to live and lived 16, now he was an athlete of a man, but he never gave up and never stopped smilng, TRUE GRIT and it's taken me until my accident to realise that a bit of my dad has rubbed off on me......)
I sent a text to one of my best friends a few weeks ago to ask about her Mam and Uncle who haven't been well lately. I had no reply. So sent another one 2 days later apologising that I hadn't been in touch earlier as had a bad few weeks (have been having panic attacks, apparently it's Post Traumatic Stress which has been triggered off as I was due to have an MRI on my wrists as they're starting to go, I've also got a painful stone on my kidney and waiting for an ultrasound on that also don't laugh I've got piles as well and am waiting for an endoscope) so I said I hoped I haven't upset her, and she replied by saying "THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I WAS DOING TO THE FAMILY" this triggered another 2 panic attacks, and explains why she and some other best friends of mine haven't been to see me since xmas, however if it had been a car accident nobody would ever say anything if I was claiming after that. I was dying to reply to the text but refrained. The parents haven't had to pay anything from their own pocket, they may lose their no claims bonus, but that's it. The only trouble they've had is THEIR OWN INSURANCE company have been moidering them with telephone calls and letters to up their premium to three million??? Where they've had this number from is unbeknown to me or my solicitor, in the end my own brother and MY solicitor have had to talk to their insurers to stop hassling the family. I have had to agree that I won't be taking it to the Court (I couldn't deal with the stress of that in any case) and also, that say the out of court settlement is for £125,000 and their insurance is only for a £100,000 ( I have no idea how much their cover is for and do not wish to know) then I've promised not to sue them personally for the difference as I believe you can (I'd never even heard of that). I big softie that I am, on hearing that GE and his girlfriend had twins, one girl and a boy I sent a congratulations text, saying well done, you've got a rugby player for the girl and male teams at Nant Conwy in one go and wished them all well, I had a text back saying it would be very hard for them as they where struggling to pay my solicitors fees, thanks!! So I replied, please GE don't be like this, I don't want any bad feeling between us, I'll never walk again, I've lost my home, I've lost my job, I've lost friends, I'm depressed, I have a 12 inch pipe sticking out of me, I have bowel accidents and I really can't cope any more, and I said he'd had the most precious gift in the world in having children and having a soulmate to love him, I can't even have that, and asked him please please to stop this. I did not get a reply!! (believe me some of my family don't know about the bowels and the pipe so for me to tell him that was really, really hard!!) If my friends are believing what the family are saying about me, what are other people that don't know me thinking, I've found a housing association bungalow opposite my mothers house in Llangernyw but the grant application has to be approved by the National Assembly I'm really praying now that that won't be approved so that I don't have to move back into the village, I am terrified of causing a scene or being the centre of all the gossip. I've got enough on my plate to put it mildly, and I've really had enough, if it wasn't for my Mam and six nephews and nieces well I wouldn't be here, that's how down I am, but have to think on the positive side. and I'm still smiling and getting on with my life well just..... once I get a smaller chair, which will then mean I can get a car then I can really start to live an independent life again, well nearly....... then hopefully I can move on... onwards and upwards, well rolling along lol
Have any of you lost friends? Had problems with a claim affecting your friendship etc??
I was dreading the ambulance journey but luckily this Ambulance was a new model and although it wasn't pleasant it was much better than my first journey. On arrival at Gobowen on Friday the 21st of April I was once again put through more tests, x-rays and scans, and was placed on the intensive care on Wrekin ward a specialized spinal unit. Instead of log rolling, here I was placed on beds that actually turn you every 4 hours aided by nurses but once again the morphine wasn't touching me, eventually they found out that I had 5 broken ribs on my left side, 1 on my right and 3 broken bones in my right hand which explained a lot, they also realized that I had developed pneumonia. I had other problems, couldn't eat, realised in the end that warpharine and cranberry don't go, and that was why I was being sick, basically I was living on ham sandwiches lol. I was put under the caring hands of Mr EL Masri the leading Spinal Injury Specialist in Britain and his wonderful team, and he explained that I'd have to lie flat on my back for at least 6 weeks and then be in there for at least a year. I don't know about you but you hear of these thing and you presume there are mirrors so that you can see around and who else was in the room, but alas no, so I shared a room with a good looking, charming sexy Irish Steeple Chase jockey for 3 weeks and never saw him. They eventually realized that morphine and I don't agree to put it mildly and once I was taken off that and given tramadol and paracetamol along with 24 other tablets per day I was much better and had turned the corner. Whilst under the morphine there was times when I was seeing the monitor as a black man holding a baby, a giraffe, there where deaf gymnasts coming out of the ceiling, I believed I was being raped (turned out to be vaginal spasms, do any of you get them? sorry to be so bold but they're awful) also thought the hospital was on fire about 3 times and as I was a fire roll call officer I quite calmly instructed the nurses to evacuate the building lol) I began to get some feeling back, my arms came back very suddenly (albeit painful, but I didn't care), also my torso and down to my knees but after 3 weeks, no more came back, to quote the fantastic medical team at Gobowen I'm an "odd/unique" paraplegic, as I can feel to my knees, and I can even feel when my bladder is full, however I had never realized that the spinal cord regulated your euretha or your bowels, and so had to be catheterized and eventually given a "supra pubic catheter" = 12 inch pipe sticking out of my stomach, it's hit me worse than losing my legs, and that's saying something. At 6 weeks each patient is given a flexi x-ray with a spinal Doctor on site, and this was excrutiating and it turned out I wasn't healing as expected and had to do an extra 4 weeks on my back. it was at this time that all my family and I had to have a meeting with Mr EL Masri with the final prognosis which was that I was a T12 Complete paraplegic, and that I'd never walk again. In the back of my mind I had worked it out, as the nurses to begin with used to say "when you're better" then they'd say "you'll adjust" and every dreaded ward round on Tuesdays had been the same for weeks. i.e. no reflexes, no change, no improvement, I tell you if I ever heard those phrases again I'd scream even with a smile on my face!! Due to shortage of space I was moved to Gladstone ward the rehab ward (the nurses used to tease and say - the holiday camp is over here is where the hard work starts) Anyhow coping with being flat on my back was even worse here as others who had been injured after me where being sat up, using the hoist into their wheelchairs, and some even walking and although it was wonderful to see their improvement it all got to me and I tried to take my own life, but I was so useless I couldn't even get hold of the scissors to do that, so I went in to my shell, NO one could get through to me not my new friends on the ward, nurses, doctors, cleaners, janitors, nobody who I had made my friends could get through to me not even the phsycologist, but along comes Steve who had been a tetraplegic for nearly 20 years, and came to my bedside and said I'll stand here until you speak to me or tell me where to go, well I can't stand but I'll sit here, as I know what it's like, that was enough to bring the smile back on to my face and we started talking and he told me that I had to think of life in a different way now i.e. to think of it as a game of snakes and ladders - one day you roll the dice and it's a double six and you go up a few long ladders and it's great, and then another day you throw a one and you go down a long black snake, but the next morning you roll that dice again and you still keep playing the game over and over until it gets easier. And it does work. Eventually it was time for the dreaded flex x-ray and this time although not pain free, was much better and I was given the go ahead to sit up and I knew from other patients experiences male and female that this was a very slow and painful experience and that both men and women fainted and some lost consciousness completely but one again I had to be "odd" and I was fine, the even thought there was a fault on 3 BP machines as nothing changed, even when I got up in that awful electric hoist and placed in my wheelchair for the first time I was fine. I was dying for some fresh air and I wanted to go out, I'd planned to get up as I knew my sister and family where coming from Kent and Einir my youngest brothers partner and little baby Grug and my friend Liz where coming and they arrived in time to see me in the chair, but as I was a large woman to put it mildy I had the largest chair and I found out to my cost that I couldn't reach the brakes and couldn't steer the 40kilo chair and directly went straight into the wheeled bins outside our window, I laughed so much I was in stitches as my job for the last 16 years had been with refuse and cleansing for Aberconwy and then Conwy County Borough Council, however one of the other lady patients thought it was disgusting having these bins so close to us, and made them move them 200 yards away, the poor nurses and cleaning staff had enough on their plates without having to carry those bags so far, and as I'd dealt with clinical waste for donkeys years I knew there was no real hazzard to them as they where all only inco sheets, night bags, catheters etc which are just like baby's nappies. Anyway I was then allowed to go the physio and to the gym and loved it, you had to do an hour in the morning with your physio and learn how to transfer from chair to bed etc etc you where then asked to do an hour each afternoon to do weights to strengthen your upper body muscles, it was much easier for the men, but I found this a challenge and was one of the few women to compete with the men by doing more reps and asking for extra weights on all my machines. I was also allowed to go swimming in the hydro pool once a week, and this was the only place where I felt "normal". It was a long hard slog but I had more visitors be they family, friends and colleagues than Gobowen had ever seen before, they couldn't believe it. I hadn't thought I'd celebrate my 40th on my back, with my frist present of the day being a suppository from the Sister, but had 32 visitors on that special day, and it was the ony night that I slept through, even when the nurses came to turn me and do my catheter at 2am - I never knew a thing. I still haven't had a full nights sleep since. On the 20th of October I was discharged, it was a very scary and emotional day, saying goodbye to fellow patients, nurses, Doctors, janitors, cleaners, all had become true friends. Mr E L Masri came to see me and actually said that I'd proven everybody wrong, he said apologetically that he thought that I'd be like most overweight women i.e. lazy and he pointed towards another patient (as she was always dodging the gym and whatever ailment I had 2 days later she had the same symptoms, sorry I'm being bitchy) Mr E L Masri said he was so proud of me. That meant a lot. I made sure that I wrote of letter of COMPLIMENTS naming everybody who had helped me from Student nurses, to matrons, Doctors, janitors, cleaners, physio's, ot's, psychologists etc to the board of trustees as I know how quick people do complain but no one ever ever compliments and says those 2 little words that mean so much THANK YOU.
